Looking back at my marriage, all I can say is that the way I was treated was just SO WRONG. I was never loved, he never cared how I felt, when I cried he walked away, and I never felt worthy of anything. He purposely sabotaged my self-esteem and attacked my very soul.
I cannot believe I made such stupid mistakes. I cannot believe I stayed this long.
He is the one that is fucked up, not me. I really want him to hurt as much as I have...though I know that will never happen.
So wrong.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Life.
Be forewarned that this post is going to be a downer.
I have tried so very hard to put my life back in order the past two years. It's so unfair that no matter how hard I have tried, that it still isn't good enough. My life still sucks and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. So, I sit here crying.
I feel unwanted. I try every day not to make it personal, but it seems unending. My father is my father. He and I are cordial. I guess that's all that I can ever really ask for. My brother hasn't talked to me in years. YEARS. He will talk/email/call M but not even send a Christmas card to ME. That stings. So essentially, my husband is worth his time but I am worth cutting off. My sister and I had it out in January, and I had to cut her out of my life. She also emails M and finds nothing wrong in copying my patterns to sell as her own. She and my brother talk to each other, but I am the outcast. I am the outcast in my own family. M's mother refuses to even speak to me and goes around that by asking M to get me to send her pictures of the kids, etc. I really thought M's brother D and I were fine, but he added M to his FB but not me. It feels as if no matter what, no one wants to even talk to me. What am I to do?
M is another problem all in its own. A few days ago, he threw it back in my face...what happened two and a half years ago. All because I haven't slept with him since I've gotten back. He doesn't get that other things that are going on with me that might be making me not want to. How would he know? He never asks how I'm doing or what is going on with me. He still has all his issues and blames me for his own problems and insecurities. He hasn't changed and I can't fix him. It's not my problem. His issues are his own. I am through trying to change ME to try to make our relationship better. And quite frankly, I'm through. I'm finished with trying to carry the weight on my shoulders. This isn't a relationship. He only cares about himself and the kids.
So now what? Where do I go from here? I guess I'd better work on my degree and make plans on my own. This means that I will be giving my children up. That is a high price to pay. But I am unwilling to spend the rest of my only life in the prison of my marriage. My kids will not get over it and they will blame me. M tells me what a bad parent I am every time he gets angry and maybe there is some truth in that. There probably is. Hell, my sister claimed I am a bad influence on her children, so it probably means the same for my own kids.
It's just difficult feeling like everyone hates me and that I am alone. This isn't a fun place to be. I miss my mother so much. She was the only one that was on my side.
I have tried so very hard to put my life back in order the past two years. It's so unfair that no matter how hard I have tried, that it still isn't good enough. My life still sucks and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. So, I sit here crying.
I feel unwanted. I try every day not to make it personal, but it seems unending. My father is my father. He and I are cordial. I guess that's all that I can ever really ask for. My brother hasn't talked to me in years. YEARS. He will talk/email/call M but not even send a Christmas card to ME. That stings. So essentially, my husband is worth his time but I am worth cutting off. My sister and I had it out in January, and I had to cut her out of my life. She also emails M and finds nothing wrong in copying my patterns to sell as her own. She and my brother talk to each other, but I am the outcast. I am the outcast in my own family. M's mother refuses to even speak to me and goes around that by asking M to get me to send her pictures of the kids, etc. I really thought M's brother D and I were fine, but he added M to his FB but not me. It feels as if no matter what, no one wants to even talk to me. What am I to do?
M is another problem all in its own. A few days ago, he threw it back in my face...what happened two and a half years ago. All because I haven't slept with him since I've gotten back. He doesn't get that other things that are going on with me that might be making me not want to. How would he know? He never asks how I'm doing or what is going on with me. He still has all his issues and blames me for his own problems and insecurities. He hasn't changed and I can't fix him. It's not my problem. His issues are his own. I am through trying to change ME to try to make our relationship better. And quite frankly, I'm through. I'm finished with trying to carry the weight on my shoulders. This isn't a relationship. He only cares about himself and the kids.
So now what? Where do I go from here? I guess I'd better work on my degree and make plans on my own. This means that I will be giving my children up. That is a high price to pay. But I am unwilling to spend the rest of my only life in the prison of my marriage. My kids will not get over it and they will blame me. M tells me what a bad parent I am every time he gets angry and maybe there is some truth in that. There probably is. Hell, my sister claimed I am a bad influence on her children, so it probably means the same for my own kids.
It's just difficult feeling like everyone hates me and that I am alone. This isn't a fun place to be. I miss my mother so much. She was the only one that was on my side.
Friday, September 18, 2009
News!
I have been horrible at updating this, haven't I? I have some awesome news about spring semester! I got accepted for an internship with the State Department working at the Foreign Service Institute!! I cannot even begin to tell you how thrilled and excited I am. This will help me out so much for experience on my resume.
I started my master's program this fall. Because of a financial crunch, I'm only taking one class: Hebrew. Because there aren't graduate level classes available for me to take during summer semester, I applied to more internships hoping to at least be able to make my time off valuable and really work to help me. I really am enjoying life life right now.
I started my master's program this fall. Because of a financial crunch, I'm only taking one class: Hebrew. Because there aren't graduate level classes available for me to take during summer semester, I applied to more internships hoping to at least be able to make my time off valuable and really work to help me. I really am enjoying life life right now.
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