Pain.

I cannot stand it.

So wrong.

Looking back at my marriage, all I can say is that the way I was treated was just SO WRONG. I was never loved, he never cared how I felt, when I cried he walked away, and I never felt worthy of anything. He purposely sabotaged my self-esteem and attacked my very soul.

I cannot believe I made such stupid mistakes. I cannot believe I stayed this long.

He is the one that is fucked up, not me. I really want him to hurt as much as I have...though I know that will never happen.

So wrong.

Life.

Be forewarned that this post is going to be a downer.

I have tried so very hard to put my life back in order the past two years. It's so unfair that no matter how hard I have tried, that it still isn't good enough. My life still sucks and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. So, I sit here crying.

I feel unwanted. I try every day not to make it personal, but it seems unending. My father is my father. He and I are cordial. I guess that's all that I can ever really ask for. My brother hasn't talked to me in years. YEARS. He will talk/email/call M but not even send a Christmas card to ME. That stings. So essentially, my husband is worth his time but I am worth cutting off. My sister and I had it out in January, and I had to cut her out of my life. She also emails M and finds nothing wrong in copying my patterns to sell as her own. She and my brother talk to each other, but I am the outcast. I am the outcast in my own family. M's mother refuses to even speak to me and goes around that by asking M to get me to send her pictures of the kids, etc. I really thought M's brother D and I were fine, but he added M to his FB but not me. It feels as if no matter what, no one wants to even talk to me. What am I to do?

M is another problem all in its own. A few days ago, he threw it back in my face...what happened two and a half years ago. All because I haven't slept with him since I've gotten back. He doesn't get that other things that are going on with me that might be making me not want to. How would he know? He never asks how I'm doing or what is going on with me. He still has all his issues and blames me for his own problems and insecurities. He hasn't changed and I can't fix him. It's not my problem. His issues are his own. I am through trying to change ME to try to make our relationship better. And quite frankly, I'm through. I'm finished with trying to carry the weight on my shoulders. This isn't a relationship. He only cares about himself and the kids.

So now what? Where do I go from here? I guess I'd better work on my degree and make plans on my own. This means that I will be giving my children up. That is a high price to pay. But I am unwilling to spend the rest of my only life in the prison of my marriage. My kids will not get over it and they will blame me. M tells me what a bad parent I am every time he gets angry and maybe there is some truth in that. There probably is. Hell, my sister claimed I am a bad influence on her children, so it probably means the same for my own kids.

It's just difficult feeling like everyone hates me and that I am alone. This isn't a fun place to be. I miss my mother so much. She was the only one that was on my side.

News!

I have been horrible at updating this, haven't I? I have some awesome news about spring semester! I got accepted for an internship with the State Department working at the Foreign Service Institute!! I cannot even begin to tell you how thrilled and excited I am. This will help me out so much for experience on my resume.

I started my master's program this fall. Because of a financial crunch, I'm only taking one class: Hebrew. Because there aren't graduate level classes available for me to take during summer semester, I applied to more internships hoping to at least be able to make my time off valuable and really work to help me. I really am enjoying life life right now.

BACK!!

LONG time, no update, eh? Ok, so Israel wasn't my most favorite place to be, but it was good to experience. I also made a trip to the Sinai and eventually to Cairo to fly home. I love Egypt so much....and not for the reasons ya'll are thinking right now! LOL I would easily move there if I could.

I have come to one realization: I want to take my older two girls to somewhere overseas for a visit to show them what the REAL world is all about. What if people didn't just magically have enough food? What if you couldn't drink the tap water? What if your idea of what is a 'standard of living' is really only how super rich people live? I want to show them this. I want them to gain an appreciation of what this country gives us, the opportunities we have. I think I should take them on an adventure with me to India or something.

R. is a crazy little bugger. He thinks he is the funniest little thing that has ever been! Heaven help me. LOL

Hello from the Holy Land

Morning all!

For those that might not know, I'm sitting in the Holy Land in Tel Aviv. I arrived a few days ago and am finally becoming a bit settled. It isn't at all what I expected it to be. I'll explain that further.

I knew Tel Aviv was a coastal big city before I arrived. I think I expected something more like Cairo or something, which it is definitely NOT. There's not much to do here except beaches and night life. There's not many sites to see or places to really shop. When I got here, I realized that I brought the wrong adapter and that my cell phone was relocked from the states. (You must get your cell phone 'unlocked' to allow it to be used with foreign sim cards.) So, the first morning that I got here, I had to set out to find an adapter. I got lost as hell, wandered everywhere, and no one seemed to know what the hell I was asking for, in either language.

I finally found the adapter and then couldn't find my way back to the hostel!! I FINALLY got back and was burnt to a freaking crisp with massive (MASSIVE) blisters. I can barely walk. It is very painful!

So, let me tell you about Israelis and directions. Even if they do not know where the address or place is that you are asking for, the will still send you in some direction or another and you will end up going in circles. It sucks!!

I am looking forward to going to Jerusalem. I have to be there Tuesday or Wednesday to sign in. At least I will have a/c again! I've 'heard' a lot of people here say that I will like Jerusalem much much better. I even complained about Tel Aviv to another American friend of mine that spent the summer here last year. He told me he felt the same way and that Jerusalem will be much better. He arrives in a couple of weeks, so maybe I can get him to take me to the West Bank and visit the Palestinians. I have an affection for arab people and would love to go see them there. The concensus is that Jerusalem has boat loads more to do than Tel Aviv. I certainly hope so because this town doesn't hold a candle to Cairo. I really loved Cairo (even with all it's faults) and I felt genuinely at home there. It's very hard to explain, I guess.

The one thing that I was very very unprepared for was how much I would miss R. I had such a HORRIBLE time the first few days away from him. I very much regretted coming here and leaving him. I cried and cried and cried. He's doing very well at home and his sisters are being very good little mommies to him. My daughter said that he does wake up and wander the house looking for me though. :( That really breaks my heart. What if he doesn't know me when I return?? So many what if's...

Hello out there

It seems like everyone has disappeared lately. Not sure where they all went. My ulcers turned out not to be caused by the bacteria, so it's my own body that is doing all the damage. Lovely. Guess I will be on Prilosec until the ends of eternity. Oh, and they told me to not get stressed. Yeah. Ok.

I leave on Wednesday and head to the promised land. Not sure how I feel about traveling totally alone and not knowing anyone there. I guess I'll find something to do. I just hope I meet some friendly peeps or it could be a long 6 weeks.

See ya on the flip side.

MRI's suck, really.

I think whoever invented MRIs was a sadist. Seriously.

Ok, so I went today for my scan. S wanted to go and take R because she wanted out of the house. I told her that watching a baby in a waiting room isn't much fun, but she insisted! R loves his sisters all SO very much. It makes my heart sing to see them as little surrogate mommies to him. It gives me peace of mind to know that if I run errands or have to go out that they take care of him just like I would.

My MRI was scheduled in early evening, so no one was around. I go back and the techy starts hooking me up and asking me which arm I wanted my IV/dye to go in. Really, dude...I have like a dozen kids. I have been poked from top to bottom...just pick somewhere and run with it!

And let me say this: I was scared crapless for the dye. My body chemistry is so much like my mom's was. She once twisted her ankle and they did the dye (old school in the 80s) and she was allergic to it. She had a seizure and ended up breaking her back in a couple places. Eek. I told the techy dude and he wasn't too thrilled with that but assured me that the dye has come a long way since then. Luckily, the dye was uneventful. LOL

Music. You now get music via headphones. He asks me what genre I would like and I just said rock. He asks me light or heavy. Heavy. Now, what a horrible choice that was! Let me explain. I love me some heavy rock, I really do. What you do NOT want, however, is to be trapped inside a coffin with speed metal playing loudly in your ears. It doesn't calm you down! LOL It is actually rather disturbing!!

Ok, and now the coffin part. I am usually not a claustrophobic person, but that machine is ridiculous!! Closing your eyes doesn't help. Nope, not one little bit. And then they keep asking you to take deep breaths and hold them. Yeah, because when you are freaking out that you might be being buried alive, you should hold your breath! And when they tell you they are going to really push the dye and not to freak out, not helpful. Really, don't warn me. Feeling that crap moving across your body is a lot like feeling a snake crawling underneath your skin. Ugh. And plus, you can taste it. Metal cravings anyone?

Next week is my upper G.I. scope. Should be fun.

And while I'm at it, can R please just walk already?! I know that kid is going to take off first thing when I leave to go to my class. I just know I'll miss it. :(

And last thing...it seems so many of my friends are so unhappy. If I could give them all one piece of advice, it would be so simple: If you want to be happy, be.

Thursday!

I went to a comedy club owned by a friend of ours. Sinbad was preforming his standup routine tonight. It was GREAT!! He is wonderful! But the best part was after the show was over...we stayed afterwards to talk to the staff and we also talked to Sinbad for a couple of hours! Nearly all the way until midnight!!

He is such a really NICE guy and very intelligent. It was awesome! He's just so down to earth it was hard for me to fathom I was really sitting there with SINBAD!! I had to giggle. He heard someone say that I had six kids and he was dumbfounded. LOL He told me that there's no way six babies came outta me! LOL It was funny and I'll take it as a compliment. HA!

If you haven't seen the pic, email me and I can send it to you. What a trip!

Sitting here and reflecting

Today was supposed to be the last official day of classes. I thought, I just need to make it until today...no more Hebrew homework. I've finally made it!! It's been a grueling existence since August and I finally made it!

Right. My professor asks me at the end of class today if I want to come tomorrow anyway (like I normally would on Thursdays) since he will be there anyway. What can I say?? He's going to be my graduate school chair this fall...it's not like I can really tell him no. So, I am sitting up again tonight doing more translation homework to go over in class tomorrow. It's well past midnight, again. But around 11:45 R. woke up crying. I found myself in another agonizing situation where I want to be two things, need to be two things, but cannot be. M. had to get up with R. feed him some juice, rock him and hold my baby until he fell asleep again at 12:30. Now this might not seem like anything big to some people, but my baby needed me and I had to be doing something else. Sure, I could have taken him for an hour, then gone back to my homework and just not really slept tonight...but not night after night. It's a tough choice to have to make. And it sucks.

My kids, heck my whole family, has had to give so much to help me get to graduation. I don't know if it's fair to them to have to sacrifice so much. It's certainly not a mother's first choice for them. However, I do hope my older girls will remember how much I had to sacrifice myself, how much work I had to put in to get my education. I hope they remember how important it was to me. I am forever grateful to M. for all he's had to do. He's had to take over so much of the family and household responsibilities so I could do homework day after day, night after night.

Graduation next Friday will be for all of us.

Ok, it's offical.

R.'s name was officially changed on Monday. Yay! M. was put on his birth certificate as the father and we just added his last name on the end of his name. I decided I wanted to keep B. in his name because of the reference to my mom and the story of him. So, he has two middles names, basically. His name is now R. H. B. S.

So, M. goes over to the Social Security office to change his name there too. I cannot believe how STUPID they are...really. They refused to simply take his NEW and OFFICIAL birth certificate to change his last name. They told me I had to get a letter from his doctor stating that this is really him and he really is alive and mine. What the hell?! Seriously?! WHY oh WHY would they require more than his own birth certificate?? It has the lists of amendments on it with the dates and everything! I may not be the brightest person in the world, but I'm thinking there are some doctors out there that would fake the letter for someone...am I right?! It's a whole heck of a lot more difficult to get an officially sealed fake birth certificate from the Health Department!!

M. looked at them like they were crazy and I just am dumbfounded!

Ok ok ok

I am prefacing this post with the fact that I am usually happy with my life and how it's headed right now. I might be stressed to the max right now with the closing of the semester, but it's ok.

So, last weekend was the grad. fair. I thought it was to order announcements and rings and whatnot. As it turns out, it was also to order cap & gowns. Oops. The only time to buy one now is the day before graduation on a first come, first serve basis. I will let you know how that goes.

Second, usually time goes on and the asshole doesn't try to contact me. When he does, I usually just ignore it and I'm fine. Today he said something was particularly fucked up and I am trying my best to not concentrate on it or let it bother me.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

Blow me OVER. Guess what arrived in my mailbox today? Totally counted it out. Didn't expect it at ALL.

MY GRADUATE SCHOOL ACCEPTANCE LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!

I think I'm going to hyperventilate!!!

And I have no idea how graduate school even works. Uh-oh. I had NO idea how undergraduate school worked either, but I quickly learned!

Still so, so sick.

I have been sick now for about three weeks. It started out when I had to make an emergency run to the eye doctor. I knew I didn't have pink eye, but my eyes were red, swollen and mucus was pouring out of them! Turns out I have a rare condition where my EYELIDS are infected from a sinus infection. WTH?! True. And they still hurt like a (*@^#*&@^.

My sinus infection doesn't seem to want to go away either. I am still sick and feel like total crap. This makes concentrating on my homework particularly hard.

I need to get well. Lordy, b...please.

The funny places we go...

As midterms drew close, my writing class was split into groups to write a group essay. Each of us had to present to the other members of our group an example artifact on which we would write an analysis.

I went about online searching speeches and song lyrics, trying to find something that caught my eye and looked promising. I decided on one speech in particular and emailed it to the rest of my group.

At our group meeting, we talked about the four different speeches we all presented. Two were speeches of Lincoln and another was Reagan talking about the Challenger Explosion. They were very strong artifacts, indeed. Then there was mine. I never really thought they would pick mine because I had chosen one that was indeed VERY long and very intense, not to mention controversial. My speech was written by none other than the famous Malcolm X.

Little did I know, but my speech was chosen. I then had to set out to familiarize myself with Malcolm X, his life, his work, and his death. It was this chance meeting that the view of life was to be altered.

I never knew he had a significant connection to the Middle East. I never knew about his horrible childhood. I never knew he was never involved in violence. I had grown up under the impression that Malcolm X was nothing but a violent black extremist. I was wrong.

So many things have struck me about his life, his work, his speeches and his mission. I learned one thing in particular about him. He told someone in a letter (that is in his FBI file) that a real man admits when he is wrong. There was a point a year before his death that he made a split from his religious group because of the hypocrisy and he made his pilgrimage to Mecca. It was this trip that changed him. He realized that life isn't black and white, but that we are all just humans. We all deserved the same rights. He came home and professed he was wrong about blacks being superior...we are all equal. I am sure that he knew this would cause his own death. But he faced everyone with his faith anyway.

It just struck a cord in me. Such a tragedy.

May...sooner please!

I was royally chewed out by my Hebrew professor yesterday. Granted, I only showed up with probably half my game (ok, maybe even less) but DAMN. He is unbelievably talented in what he does. He pushes until you break, he doesn't back down, he instinctively knows what you can do (better than yourself)...but he is also unflinching. I got up at 4 am this morning just to overly (in itself laughable) prepare myself for class. I bust my butt hours upon hours a week.

He is one of those characters that change your life. Sometimes, I am not sure how, but I am sure the course of my journey will be altered because of him.

I am tired. TIRED. My tattoo was also finished yesterday (yay!) and I cannot believe it. I look forward to the day I can wear a shirt without flinching. LOL

Do you Cake Wreck??

Because if you don't, you certainly will laugh your freaking pants off!!!

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Two food posts in a row...maybe I'm hungry?!

Hungry?

OMG!! I haven't laughed this hard in a while!

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

Blah.

Ok, so it feels like I have had to be overly nice to some people in my life in the name of redemption. I think I have more than enoughly (no, not a word) eaten crow, so to speak. I have taken their words, however rude or harsh, and not said a word in return. I have been dragged through the mud, been gossiped about, told off, etc...

How long does my penance last? I just maybe don't get it, but if I have been nothing but nice and on my utmost behavior...why can't they just at least be polite to me in return? No offense to some of you great people, but a few of these people claim to be great 'God-fearing Christians' yet they are some of the worst offenders I know. Judgment isn't theirs to be had and if my memory serves me correctly, forgiveness isn't an option. I don't mean they can't hate whatever actions of mine that they want, but geez. I have sent birthday cards, anniversary cards and people can't even say thank you to me because they are pissed?! M. says that I should continue to be the better person and keep doing what I'm doing, but at what point is it pointless?

Trying not to give in but I am definitely disheartened.

I have to giggle.

As someone pointed out to me, my writing has gotten progressively cynical. I had to giggle over that one and agree. LOL I firmly stand that critical writing classes ruin all the fun! Not only do I watch every single word that comes out of my fingers, but I have to find the judgmental part of it too. HA! (Shouldn't I have gotten a better grade in class? Oops, I guess it's partly related to my homework production...)

So, as I mentioned previously, I recently upgraded my camera. She and I aren't best friends yet. I love the ability she possesses, but hate the fact that the full sensor just reduced (or rightly, corrected) the lens length (mm) of my favorite portrait lens. We went out today to a local farm and I dragged the kids (mostly the three girls) around testing it out. If you wanna see some, I posted them to my flickr account. If you're not on there, just send me an email and I'll shoot you some.

BWT, 3am is for blogging and not homework...double giggle.

Randomness

Ok, there is a ying-yang evilness that exists in our music today. WHAT in the world is going on with country music?! M. loves country, tries to expose his daughters to it...and damn near most of it makes me want to scrape my ears out with a screwdriver!! Please, thou country music lovers, allow me to explain: the new songs coming out have the worst tunes that you simply can NOT get out of your head after you've heard them, even if you attempt to sing religious battle-cries.

There's one Sugarland song that makes me want to leap from a speeding car, I'm sure you have heard it. Please don't make me look up the title for you! And now...Taylor Swift...tsk, tsk. She has damned me yet again with her "Love Story" song. Lord help me!!! Damn you, Shakespeare! Thanks for giving her the fodder she is touting all over the radios! And it doesn't stay to country stations...Juliet is stealing my pop Romeo station!! Mercy...mercy...mercy!

But on a totally different topic, M. took the photos from Keith Stubbs family/newborn shoot over to him today. I always am happy when I see genuine joy from people when I hand them over my things. I made them a little newborn book printed out on linen paper and I just loved it. I also made a 16x20 collage of their family and had it mounted on masonite. Lastly, I printed out 3 5x7s to give them. His wife is out of town for three days, so she won't get to see them just yet. I'm sure it's driving her crazy! I would be going crazy!! LOL I realized WHY I love doing photography for other people: I love see the joy my pictures bring them.

I also had another person call me for family pictures and pictures of their two little girls. I am excited!! She saw my babysitter's session and gave me probably one of the greatest compliments I could have gotten: She told me that she loved MY STYLE of photography. MY STYLE! That is what a photographer aims for, searches for, strives for. I realized about 6 months ago that I like shots in a more photo journalistic, natural way. I don't really like props, backgrounds or lights. I like simplicity and what is available. I'm a simple person and I finally felt my groove when I did the newborn shoot. I didn't think, I just played with him until he was in a cute spot or position and BAM! I am finding it to be less pressure when you are more confident in what TYPES of portraits you are going to produce.

Oh, upgraded my camera! New toys are fun...and a little bit tedious to relearn. Jury is still out. I did get a total snapshot picture of the dog pile that was occurring in my house tonight. LOL It first started out as four of them piling on M. and I wanted a picture, and got one. Then everyone wanted in the picture, and you can see how that went!! My kids are so tight-knit and I love it. My family was the complete opposite and I hated growing up that way. I still hate it. I am going to have to try to talk M. into reattempting this shot in the spring out in a field somewhere. I have visions of what this could be! (And where it could be hung in our house. LOL) I bet I can find a proper way to bribe him!! He's a guy, after all. ;) So, soon after that family shoot, I will be taking my best friend from high school (guy) and his fiance's engagement pictures. I cannot WAIT to do those. I have so many ideas for them...I hope they don't hate them! LOL I want to take them to downtown SL and get some cool urban shots. His fiance is from Thailand and I am so excited to finally meet her. She is just cute as a button, though!

Lastly, I needed one upper level credit to graduate in the spring. I was taking Model Arab League which is a lot of debating and a lot of time. I called my beloved Hebrew Professor today and asked him if he would mind if I did a one credit independent reading directive through him. He was surprised and totally cool with it, which made me so happy. He is also pushing me to return in the fall for grad. school with him. Truth be told, he is a freaking AMAZING and well renowned Hebrew Scholar and teacher and it's an honor for me to be studying under him. I'm blown away by how far I've come from under his wings. I was pretty darn happy he didn't mind doing it for me. :)

Besides all the good stuff, there has been a couple incidents of bad stuff. I don't want to go into it here, but I really wish someone would listen to it. It's sort of stressing me out and guilt over the situation has left me a bit out of sorts. (It's nothing to do with M., it's to do with R.) I can't talk to M. about it, not really, but I really would like to have someone to tell me like it is. Amanda, you are usually pretty blunt with me...free sometime?

Patrick Swayze

Has anyone seen Patrick Swazye's interview with Barbara Walters? For those of you that don't know, my mom at 56 (same age as Patrick) had the same pancreatic cancer. Just sitting here and watching him talk, looking at the massive weight loss and his struggles in sometimes talking...it is like a super flash-back to the last few months of my mom's life.

She came to visit us in Hawaii right after J. was born. This was a tremendous sacrifice for her to do. She was constantly vomiting and had constant strong abdominal pain and never slept. She had to keep moving to keep her body in less pain. But in July she got on a plane for SIX hours and she flew across the ocean to see me and her first grandson. That sitting down ride was excruciating for her. She looked just like Patrick looks now...very thin and doing downhill. I was so worried abut her during that visit.

She went back home and a few months more of doctors not being able to determine what was wrong, they took out her diseased gallbladder. Still nothing better. Then she got a bowel obstruction in late February. When they went in for the surgery, they found pancreatic cancer and that it had spread everywhere. I got a call at lunch time in Hawaii and my dad told me and I just sat and screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My best friend, my only family was dying. I was going to lose my mother at the age of 26.

We loaded all four kids and us on a plane and got there as soon as we could. I rarely left my mom's bedside and she tried to remain upbeat and told me she was not afraid. I told her I couldn't make it without her. She was my everything. I remember one night after they released her to go home on hospice, she went to her older sister's house and I asked my aunt if I could spend the night. Of course they let me. In the middle of the night my mom was struggling and I ran over to her and she asked me why I was still here. I told her because I could not NOT be there. She just gave me a look that meant she really didn't want me to see this but she understood why I WAS there.

A few days later, she asked me to help her plan her funeral. It was the most horrendous experience I have ever had to do. She told me who she wanted to talk, who was to say the prayer and then she asked me if I would give a talk too. She told me if it would be too hard that I didn't have to....but I just had to. I just had to. She told me the suit she wanted to be buried in and where I could find it. She also left explicit instructions on where her BYU pompoms where and that they were to go in the coffin with her.

A day or two before she died, I sat next to her talking to her and rubbing her hair. I was crying and crying and telling her to take me to. She had not been speaking much, but she looked at me with her motherly eyes and said "It'll be ok Sunshine." That is what she has called me ever since I was born. That was really the only thing she said to me again.

My world crashed, all in one incident. I pulled back from everyone and I became numb for a good year or so. That one thing catapulted my life to where it is now. I decided that she died at 56 and never got to do anything she ever wanted to. She was not happy when she died. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to LIVE. I decided to go back to school, I made choices that altered my marriage (luckily for the better) and I am being proactive now. I have had nearly 5 years of uncontrollable ME and it's finally coming back into place. It has been a long, HARD road to find ME again. I have two boys she's never met, never held. I have accomplishments she will never see. I miss her more than anything in the world.

I know she wouldn't have agreed with my marriage choices, but I still believe she would accept R. because he is the innocent victim in this. I think she would be over-joyed with me graduating from school, and I think she would be proud of me for trying to make things right. Right with the people I have hurt and right with myself. To those that will not forgive me, that is their choice. The only two people that have to be ok with all of this is me and M. And I'm so glad M. is there for R. I cannot express my appreciation to that man for being something he doesn't have to be. R. loves him so much and thinks he's just his daddy. I rue the day I have to explain that his biological father was abusive and wanted nothing to do with him...in fact, his whole family wanted nothing to do with him. :(

I really wish I didn't watch that Patrick Swazye interview. It's so personal to me.

another day in the life

Who would have ever thought that my little old (and slightly grumpy) Hebrew professor would turn in to a friend of mine? I think it's good for him because he has a personality that tends to keep others at bay. I just come in and crack jokes and push his buttons until he screams back at me. LOL I like my talks with him because he's sort of like a teacher/father mentor to me. We all know that my own dad doesn't fill that roll and it's kinds of nice to find someone with a vested interest in how I'm doing. I mean, I honestly don't have a lot of people that are checked in with me, yk? I'm not the most liked person in my family or my extended family. I'll take support whenever I can get it.

I feel like I'm letting myself down right now because I'm letting things get to me. I will be the first one in my family to graduate from college this spring. My dad, sister and brother do not care. I have close friends that support me, but it is still hard when your own family doesn't support you like you think you want them to. If it were Matt's family, it would be a huge momentous occasion. I just worked really hard for this. All the homework, all the kids, all the stress, all the issues....newborn...I handle it all. And it's just really really hard.

Another blow today when sperm donor's mom told me that she didn't want to hear from me again about "anything." That is what she called my baby: "anything." He does not exist to any of them. I don't feel bad for me, but my heart aches for R. One day he is going to feel rejected because of them. I'm so glad M. loves him like his own. After the conversation with his mother, I'm sure I'm setting myself up for retaliation from the stalker. I'm sure he will email my brother and sister next. He can't say more than he's already said about me to everyone else (including my University) and my siblings already don't give a rats ass about me. Let's hope it stops there. I don't have it in me to go through this again.

Wow.

Ok, so I have Gilbert's Syndrome. I also have had a life of migraines, fatigue and abdominal pain. I never really thought of anything much until today.

R. has been sick the past two days (as I mentioned previously), and today he was VERY yellow. Now, Gilbert's Syndrome basically is a mutated gene (two genes, actually) which doesn't allow your liver to produce the enzyme that maintains the billirubin levels. These levels reduce the toxins in your liver as well as your red blood cells. I had no idea if R. had just inherited GS from me (causing him to get jaundiced while sick) or if it was his skin tone while sick (being Egyptian and all, I had no idea). I decided to google GS and Egyptians...I was shocked at what I found.

There is roughly a 5% population in caucasian people with GS. In Egypt (and parts of Africa) there is up to a 25% population with GS. That led me to read about GS more in detail at www.gilbertssyndrome.com. I don't know whether I should be astounded or maddened! GS is considered 'benign' and to not have any adverse affects. What I read was totally the opposite:

From an exhaustive study of the symptoms reported by people with Gilbert's Syndrome, here are the symptoms of Gilbert's Syndrome:

Frequently Reported: fatigue, tiredness, brain fog, headaches, poor memory, dizziness, depression, irritability, anxiety, nausea, loss of appetite, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), stomach pain & cramping, liver/gallbladder pain, abdominal pain, tremors, itchiness, jaundice

Commonly Reported: insomnia, difficulty concentrating, panic attacks, hypoglycemic reaction to foods, intolerance to carbs, food intolerances, alcohol intolerance, loose stools / diarrhea, abdominal bloating or swelling, breathlessness or labored breathing, heart palpitations, aching muscles / body ache, joint pain, numbness & tingling, weakness, chemical sensitivity, weight loss, lump in the throat, feeling constantly sick

Sometimes Reported: difficulty finding the right words, feeling drunk, vomiting, intolerance to fatty foods, strong hangovers, acid reflux, excessive thirst, chest pain, muscle twitches, cold hands and feet, environmental allergies, swollen lymph nodes, toxic feeling, bitter or metallic taste in the mouth, eye pain

Occasionally Reported: waking panic attack, mood swings, feeling antisocial, intolerance to drugs, constipation, pale stools, indigestion, back pain, dry skin, feeling cold, low body temperature, pale skin, low weight, night sweats, excessive sweating, poor immune system, sore or dry throat, light sensitivity, bloodshot eyes

OMG! You have to be kidding me!!! Those of you that know me well know that I have suffered for the longest time with massive migraines (like 3 a week), fatigue and abdominal pain...not to mention that I am ALWAYS sick!! This is like a freaking epiphany for me...I'm not joking. My mom had GS as well and she suffered from a lot of these same things. What makes me really angry is the scientific community turning a blind eye to this. There is obviously a LOT of us with the same symptoms!! And is it any wonder that everything I have tried with different doctors HAS NOT WORKED?? Look at this quote from the site...I feel like I could have written it myself:

If you're like many people diagnosed with Gilbert's Syndrome, you've been on a long journey to find out what's wrong with you, visiting doctor after doctor and coming up with nothing. And then one day, a doctor tells you that you have Gilbert's Syndrome but that it's not the cause of your problems because their desk reference says that there are no symptoms. At that point, some will claim you're a hypochondriac or making it all up. Rather than listening to your symptoms and looking for an explanation, you are sent on your way without help.

Ok, good part is I finally had a major insight into WHY I feel this way. BUT, I did not like reading the HOW to start to feel better. I am a major (did I happen to mention *major*) sugar addict. That is a big no-no. Basically, since my liver is already over-taxed, anything that adds to that is going to make me feel like crap. I got a list of natural things I can both take and eliminate from my diet...though the diet thing is really going to kill me...if not be my downfall. :(

I feel ICKY.

I had a massive fever last weekend and I still feel icky, even today. R. started really feeling crappy yesterday, complete with a fever too. :( M. came home early and took him to the acute care place. I was SURE he had an ear infection, but nope. Just looks like it's sinus stuff. They gave him a cortizone something or other (I was out of it when M. told me) and he just FINALLY went to sleep. Last night and today his has whined every time I hold or look at him. He has only wanted M.?? I find that terribly odd since he is a big-time mama's boy. Wonder if he knew I was sick too?

I just hope I feel better for classes on Monday. Oh, funniest story about my Hebrew teacher! I got a call early Monday morning (this week) and it was my professor asking me where I was. I told him classes didn't start until NEXT week and he was shocked! LOL He told me he'd see me NEXT week. hehe