Randomness

Ok, there is a ying-yang evilness that exists in our music today. WHAT in the world is going on with country music?! M. loves country, tries to expose his daughters to it...and damn near most of it makes me want to scrape my ears out with a screwdriver!! Please, thou country music lovers, allow me to explain: the new songs coming out have the worst tunes that you simply can NOT get out of your head after you've heard them, even if you attempt to sing religious battle-cries.

There's one Sugarland song that makes me want to leap from a speeding car, I'm sure you have heard it. Please don't make me look up the title for you! And now...Taylor Swift...tsk, tsk. She has damned me yet again with her "Love Story" song. Lord help me!!! Damn you, Shakespeare! Thanks for giving her the fodder she is touting all over the radios! And it doesn't stay to country stations...Juliet is stealing my pop Romeo station!! Mercy...mercy...mercy!

But on a totally different topic, M. took the photos from Keith Stubbs family/newborn shoot over to him today. I always am happy when I see genuine joy from people when I hand them over my things. I made them a little newborn book printed out on linen paper and I just loved it. I also made a 16x20 collage of their family and had it mounted on masonite. Lastly, I printed out 3 5x7s to give them. His wife is out of town for three days, so she won't get to see them just yet. I'm sure it's driving her crazy! I would be going crazy!! LOL I realized WHY I love doing photography for other people: I love see the joy my pictures bring them.

I also had another person call me for family pictures and pictures of their two little girls. I am excited!! She saw my babysitter's session and gave me probably one of the greatest compliments I could have gotten: She told me that she loved MY STYLE of photography. MY STYLE! That is what a photographer aims for, searches for, strives for. I realized about 6 months ago that I like shots in a more photo journalistic, natural way. I don't really like props, backgrounds or lights. I like simplicity and what is available. I'm a simple person and I finally felt my groove when I did the newborn shoot. I didn't think, I just played with him until he was in a cute spot or position and BAM! I am finding it to be less pressure when you are more confident in what TYPES of portraits you are going to produce.

Oh, upgraded my camera! New toys are fun...and a little bit tedious to relearn. Jury is still out. I did get a total snapshot picture of the dog pile that was occurring in my house tonight. LOL It first started out as four of them piling on M. and I wanted a picture, and got one. Then everyone wanted in the picture, and you can see how that went!! My kids are so tight-knit and I love it. My family was the complete opposite and I hated growing up that way. I still hate it. I am going to have to try to talk M. into reattempting this shot in the spring out in a field somewhere. I have visions of what this could be! (And where it could be hung in our house. LOL) I bet I can find a proper way to bribe him!! He's a guy, after all. ;) So, soon after that family shoot, I will be taking my best friend from high school (guy) and his fiance's engagement pictures. I cannot WAIT to do those. I have so many ideas for them...I hope they don't hate them! LOL I want to take them to downtown SL and get some cool urban shots. His fiance is from Thailand and I am so excited to finally meet her. She is just cute as a button, though!

Lastly, I needed one upper level credit to graduate in the spring. I was taking Model Arab League which is a lot of debating and a lot of time. I called my beloved Hebrew Professor today and asked him if he would mind if I did a one credit independent reading directive through him. He was surprised and totally cool with it, which made me so happy. He is also pushing me to return in the fall for grad. school with him. Truth be told, he is a freaking AMAZING and well renowned Hebrew Scholar and teacher and it's an honor for me to be studying under him. I'm blown away by how far I've come from under his wings. I was pretty darn happy he didn't mind doing it for me. :)

Besides all the good stuff, there has been a couple incidents of bad stuff. I don't want to go into it here, but I really wish someone would listen to it. It's sort of stressing me out and guilt over the situation has left me a bit out of sorts. (It's nothing to do with M., it's to do with R.) I can't talk to M. about it, not really, but I really would like to have someone to tell me like it is. Amanda, you are usually pretty blunt with me...free sometime?

Patrick Swayze

Has anyone seen Patrick Swazye's interview with Barbara Walters? For those of you that don't know, my mom at 56 (same age as Patrick) had the same pancreatic cancer. Just sitting here and watching him talk, looking at the massive weight loss and his struggles in sometimes talking...it is like a super flash-back to the last few months of my mom's life.

She came to visit us in Hawaii right after J. was born. This was a tremendous sacrifice for her to do. She was constantly vomiting and had constant strong abdominal pain and never slept. She had to keep moving to keep her body in less pain. But in July she got on a plane for SIX hours and she flew across the ocean to see me and her first grandson. That sitting down ride was excruciating for her. She looked just like Patrick looks now...very thin and doing downhill. I was so worried abut her during that visit.

She went back home and a few months more of doctors not being able to determine what was wrong, they took out her diseased gallbladder. Still nothing better. Then she got a bowel obstruction in late February. When they went in for the surgery, they found pancreatic cancer and that it had spread everywhere. I got a call at lunch time in Hawaii and my dad told me and I just sat and screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My best friend, my only family was dying. I was going to lose my mother at the age of 26.

We loaded all four kids and us on a plane and got there as soon as we could. I rarely left my mom's bedside and she tried to remain upbeat and told me she was not afraid. I told her I couldn't make it without her. She was my everything. I remember one night after they released her to go home on hospice, she went to her older sister's house and I asked my aunt if I could spend the night. Of course they let me. In the middle of the night my mom was struggling and I ran over to her and she asked me why I was still here. I told her because I could not NOT be there. She just gave me a look that meant she really didn't want me to see this but she understood why I WAS there.

A few days later, she asked me to help her plan her funeral. It was the most horrendous experience I have ever had to do. She told me who she wanted to talk, who was to say the prayer and then she asked me if I would give a talk too. She told me if it would be too hard that I didn't have to....but I just had to. I just had to. She told me the suit she wanted to be buried in and where I could find it. She also left explicit instructions on where her BYU pompoms where and that they were to go in the coffin with her.

A day or two before she died, I sat next to her talking to her and rubbing her hair. I was crying and crying and telling her to take me to. She had not been speaking much, but she looked at me with her motherly eyes and said "It'll be ok Sunshine." That is what she has called me ever since I was born. That was really the only thing she said to me again.

My world crashed, all in one incident. I pulled back from everyone and I became numb for a good year or so. That one thing catapulted my life to where it is now. I decided that she died at 56 and never got to do anything she ever wanted to. She was not happy when she died. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to LIVE. I decided to go back to school, I made choices that altered my marriage (luckily for the better) and I am being proactive now. I have had nearly 5 years of uncontrollable ME and it's finally coming back into place. It has been a long, HARD road to find ME again. I have two boys she's never met, never held. I have accomplishments she will never see. I miss her more than anything in the world.

I know she wouldn't have agreed with my marriage choices, but I still believe she would accept R. because he is the innocent victim in this. I think she would be over-joyed with me graduating from school, and I think she would be proud of me for trying to make things right. Right with the people I have hurt and right with myself. To those that will not forgive me, that is their choice. The only two people that have to be ok with all of this is me and M. And I'm so glad M. is there for R. I cannot express my appreciation to that man for being something he doesn't have to be. R. loves him so much and thinks he's just his daddy. I rue the day I have to explain that his biological father was abusive and wanted nothing to do with him...in fact, his whole family wanted nothing to do with him. :(

I really wish I didn't watch that Patrick Swazye interview. It's so personal to me.

another day in the life

Who would have ever thought that my little old (and slightly grumpy) Hebrew professor would turn in to a friend of mine? I think it's good for him because he has a personality that tends to keep others at bay. I just come in and crack jokes and push his buttons until he screams back at me. LOL I like my talks with him because he's sort of like a teacher/father mentor to me. We all know that my own dad doesn't fill that roll and it's kinds of nice to find someone with a vested interest in how I'm doing. I mean, I honestly don't have a lot of people that are checked in with me, yk? I'm not the most liked person in my family or my extended family. I'll take support whenever I can get it.

I feel like I'm letting myself down right now because I'm letting things get to me. I will be the first one in my family to graduate from college this spring. My dad, sister and brother do not care. I have close friends that support me, but it is still hard when your own family doesn't support you like you think you want them to. If it were Matt's family, it would be a huge momentous occasion. I just worked really hard for this. All the homework, all the kids, all the stress, all the issues....newborn...I handle it all. And it's just really really hard.

Another blow today when sperm donor's mom told me that she didn't want to hear from me again about "anything." That is what she called my baby: "anything." He does not exist to any of them. I don't feel bad for me, but my heart aches for R. One day he is going to feel rejected because of them. I'm so glad M. loves him like his own. After the conversation with his mother, I'm sure I'm setting myself up for retaliation from the stalker. I'm sure he will email my brother and sister next. He can't say more than he's already said about me to everyone else (including my University) and my siblings already don't give a rats ass about me. Let's hope it stops there. I don't have it in me to go through this again.